A bad day

Today I believe I’m not good enough.

I am doubting the decisions I’ve made and the visions I have had. When I looked into the future I see only failures, painful, humiliating, mediocre failures. And when I see myself in failure, I blame blame blame.

I took 40 minutes away from the world and into my brain, into myself. I let her scream, replaying past cringes and mistakes. I let her tell me I fucked up and I’m such a fuck up. And I let her unload for as long as she wants and the monster I felt inside me turned into a little girl.

What’s the matter?

I want to achieve.

Have you not achieved enough?

I’ve achieved at all?

Yes, you’ve done well. You are sad still, I see that. What do you need?

I don’t know.

That’s alright, I’ve got you.

So I breathe and I give her what I’d give any kid feeling what I was feeling. Gentle, sweet love. Being there with her in her pain.

I’m not scared of your feelings, I’ll stay here with you.

Today you don’t need to achieve.

Today I need the truth. 

The truth is my mind makes up stories about the world and myself, sometimes I love the narrative and I cherish them like a superpower. And sometimes I don’t. But they are always only just stories, no matter how real they seem. No matter how real my magic is.

The stories we tell ourselves become our reality and I am careful not to allow stories that pull me away from magic to get retold to myself too many times. Stories are spells, don’t chant them for too long or too hard, don’t want to accidentally cast a curse. (Don’t worry tho, all curses are reversible, they just take work). I’m lucky my tolerance for discomfort is low, otherwise it may be months before I notice what is going on into my own mind.

The truth is tomorrow is not promised. Success and failure are both lies. What is real is how I feel. And right now what I feel scared. 

Scared… so hard to admit yet so freeing to say.

I’m scared.

I’m scared the future I see myself in won’t come true. I’m scared I didn’t take enough risks and that I’ve taken too many. I’m scared I pushed myself to the edge and will slip off any moment and I’m scared I’ve been playing it too safe, letting achievement happen around me while I sit out game after game after game.

I’m scared. I’m scared!

What do you need?

Love.

Today I need some love from myself, unconditional love. I love you no matter your successes or your failures. I love you because love doesn’t need to be earned. I love you because the powers at be gifted you to me. I love you in your flaws and your gifts, and really, they are the same thing.

Today I need to hear “you are scared and that’s okay”.  

Today I needed to hear “You are complete”.

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Jess
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